What Troubles My Heart?

I don’t know exactly.  That’s what troubles me.  

Like there’s fusion of emotions every day, so mixed up, that I can hardly comprehend any of it.

Do you wake up sometimes with gnawing anxiety or sadness or, worse, fear of the unknown? Sadly, I do and, I try to put them in words, hoping by so doing, I can make them evaporate in the thin air. 

Anxiety, probably is one … because, as I open my eyes, I know ahead of me is a set of  routine for tasks or people I am  so accustomed to but not necessarily would want  to face again?  Yet, as a duty, I try hard to remain vigilantly “grateful” for what the universe entrusts on me so I just carry on.  But, sometimes, i wish don’t have to.  So, there goes the anxiety throughout the day.

Then, there is sadness …because I miss people I can just relax with and pour my heavy heart to.  Where are they now? Suddenly, i feel so alone amidst so many people.  Those near me are busy with their own troubles, too.  Like me, I sense their struggles, and I don’t want to be another burden to our never ending daily grind.  On the other hand, there are the kind ones who would probably love to lend their ears but , unfortunately, are so miles away.  Gone are the days we can just meet up in a coffee shop and just talk to our heart’s content.  Distance and time zones dissipate whatever desires we have to reach out.  Technology is great to connect people, they say so.  But the truth is “it is never the same when you see and feel each other’s pain, side by side”.  Then, of course, there are those whose memories I cherish in my hearts.  My departed loved ones whom, I sense, are with me in spirits, but cannot touch me anymore.  I whisper their names as I drown in my loneliness.  I know they see me, feel me, pray with me so I can get through another day.  But, sometimes, just that same thought only emphasizes that they’re truly gone … sadly, in my life

Then, fear … because, despite of it all, I love life to the fullest.  I absolutely adore my life with all its complexities and sweetness.  With all its sorrows and happiness.  My prayer is like a love song,  speaking of desperation to cling on; never letting it go.  I pray for health, safety, security, stability, sustainability; then, more years, more time for all of the above.  And I pathetically pray for them every day because I fear of losing them anytime, too.   For the irony of life is to enjoy its fleetingness.  Ahh, I grew up, mastering the art of leading, being in-charge, taking in-control.  But, only to realize that my eventuality is, actually, not in my hand.  I can only do as much and pray.  What I need to really learn is acceptance and letting go.  Something that’s ultimately outside the comfort zone I built.  Disturbing truth. Scary…

So what to do with the troubles of my heart, then? I am not quite sure as well

So, I just label them, as they are; hoping this is the first step to be able to understand them. And, hopefully, appreciate that they are my “vulnerabilities” which keep me alive; breathing and kicking until this day.  This is what being human is, after all!

I will show up each day; smile as much, if I can, and simply carry on with all these  troubles in my heart…

So, Then , They Fall… One By One

 (All families go through moments of grief. My thoughts on losing, grieving and moving on)

When The Branches Fall…
Of the Only TREE you know
One by one
The pain, the loss, is same and strong

When The Branches Fall…
You always wonder what’s next to this TREE
The one you grew up with;
The one that kept you dreaming through these years

When The Branches Fall…
It is lonely to begin moving on…
Keeping your place … Waving the leaves
And believing, you are not alone???

BUT When the Branches Fall…
Remember, they’re never lost…
On ground, they join your roots
Sending love and memories so you grow more … and more!

 

So stay strong … Branch out
Keep the greatness of the family’s TREE
When They Fall, as seasons change
It is now your TIME to take their place ….

By RRV

LOVE when it is SPIC & SPAN

 (A Tribute to Tita Nena)

“It might be really hard to leave someone you love so much behind; specially, your children”

Tita Nena’s life, to me, is a success story of someone whose “Love” triumphs over fleeting health or even death. I cannot fathom the harsh moments she went through. But I did witness the fortitude, the grit and the unwavering faith to stay on, one day at a time, for those she dearly held in her heart.

I would say Tita Nena embodied a somewhat fairy-tale life story. You see, when a beautiful girl, like Nena, hails from a barrio (Victoria, Tarlac), goes to the big city (Manila), marries the “man of her dreams”, then, soon raises a beautiful family, beautifies & keeps a “kingdom” of her own (I remember at Dapitan, then, later on, at Fairview, where me and my cousins spent lovely summers together), with such a fabulous garden she maintains with passion, ahhh, that is such a success life story of a MOTHER and a WIFE.

But for us, who grew up with Tita Nena, I learned that to keep all of these “SPIC & SPAN” at a lifetime, nothing can ever be a fairy-tale. For my Tita, it took a lot of work; a lot of skills; a lot of patience to win over the threatening nuisances of life. Like with her gardening, one must always be vigilant to keep the “peace”. Certainly, only a woman of virtues can live this way.

With her, I witnessed exceptional organizational skills of a great home-maker. I also saw a strong personality that exercised “tough love” to express truth, from her perspectives. This was her way of teaching us, her youngsters; of helping us grow; of hoping to make things right for her family. But, most of all, she showed me what a “woman of FAITH” is.

With just that, she is, indeed, a story of SUCCESS.

Yet, even at the late stage of her life, she awed me more with so much HUMAN STRENGTH. Suffering with Parkinson’s disease for 20 years and, then, with a rare case of cancer which was with nil chance of treatment at her age of 79 … I don’t know? I always wondered, “how can a woman withstand all these? “Where does she get her fighting spirit?” And, yet, whenever I visited her, she knew ME and her LOVED ONES by heart …

I know it is but LOVE … For, just like in her lifetime, it was LOVE for FAMILY that always helped her triumph over all the hurdles.

Again, I say, “It must have been harder for her to leave her children and family than the health pains … it must have been heavier at heart unless she knows everything would be SPIC & SPAN”.

So to my cousins, who are grieving now, I guess, your Mom, my Tita Nena, finally, knew the day has come. Everything is in order. You and I are ready. She now can rest in peace …

“Go and have a wonderful reunion with our beloved ones in Heaven now, Tita Nena. We will keep our lives SPIC & SPAN to make you proud. Pray for our journey as you look down from heaven above us …

Your Tatan

Self Love

(On Mother's Day)

If you didn’t send me flowers

Or forgot to write me a poem

Or sing me greeting songs

It’s ok! It’s still gonna be my Day!

I will sleep as much as I want

Sneak out my chocolate cake

Enjoy a salon treat

And excitedly, splurge for that dress!!!

I may choose a quieter time, too

Like smell the lavenders by my yard

Dust off my book to sit and read

Or bring out that jounal to simply fill it in…

Regardless, it will be MY DAY

For though, I’m grateful for all your cheers and treats

I realized it is “I” who must

Truly LOVE & CHERISH ME

So, loved ones, I will take this break

Give myself a “Mother’s Day”

I will pause … rest … care

Because I LOVE ME

For a strong woman

Never waits for HAPPINESS to be brought in

I create it, I inspire it

So when YOU need it … I have lots to give

MOM

Ninang (Godmother)

(A Tribute to Andrea Pilar Burgos)

          Kumusta ka” (“How are you?”)… Was always her greeting to me whenever I saw her.

         But the thing is I always suspected she, actually, knew everything about me, long before I start explaining things.  She was close to Mamu (who is my Mom since they were cousins).  And Mamu undoubtedly always spilled the bean first (imagine my eyes rolling now).   Nonetheless, even if she knew, Ninang would still ask “Kumusta ka?” – giving me that “special space” to be myself.

         In my lifetime, I had been sheltered and guided by strong women.  Ninang was one of them.

        She was not the typical God-mother most fairy tale books talk about.  But she was the kind who was REAL.  Present and felt on Christmases, New Years, Birthdays, name it!  I But I experienced Ninang more during the times my family “needed family”.   And these were my growing up memories of her!  She comforted Mom and offered help, especially if it concerned me.  She took me in her house during my College days.  She helped me land into my first real job as well (at the Bureau of Internal Revenue) so I can start charting my career path.  I saw and felt her presence in most major events of my life… especially, when guidance mattered most. 

        Her words “Kumusta ka” marked strong impact on me, as a woman!  Those are words of assurance.  Those are emblems of warmth & kindness from someone who is just waiting for you to open up and seek out.  It is very subtle way of saying, “I’m here; I’m part of your life; You’re never alone”.  How blessed I had been!

         Few days ago, Ninang reunited with my other beloved departed in Heaven.  But her memories will always remind me of what she always stood for… “To be significantly present in someone else’s life”.  Hence, I will never forget, “I have a Ninang … somewhere and always!”

         So, no farewells.  Until that time when you ask me again “Kumusta ka?”.  I will make sure you will be PROUD of what I will fill you in.

         Rest now, Ninang … and be at PEACE  🙏

Your Inaak (Godchild),

Tatan

I SAW MOM

The bus passed by and there was a fleeting reflection of her

I cannot be mistaken of her stand

Of the way she tilted her head when she was impatient

Of the way she wrapped her scarf around her to stay warm

I felt a clutch in my heart … I know I saw her there!

 

It happened last week…

Then, there was that goosebump again

When I was staring up a store display

And across the other glass panel, I saw her again

Standing with her back on me!  She seemed to be looking up the same display; just the way she used to amuse herself? 

 

Probably, it is because I think of her a lot, I told myself?

But, then, again, I was reading my book this time

And when I raised my head, closed my eyes to rest

At the first side-glance of the window pane, I saw that expression of her

When she was tired and bored; oh, the way she heaved a sigh … no! my eyes were tired?

 

But then, one time, I was washing the dishes

Suddenly, melancholy ran over me

I wondered over my hands … oh, how they’ve changed through the years

Yet, they reminded me so much of someone else’s

Someone whose hands used to give me courage and warmth

No, it can’t be.  These are my hands … but why I do I feel their Mom’s?

 

I kept all these musings inside me … for I don’t believe in haunting

Or illusion.  This is just me and my mind always running wild

But, funny, at dinner time, my son opened up

My daughter gave her thoughts;  My husband said his piece

I only said, “That’s it! Then, you can move on”. 

They hysterically laughed. They said I sounded like their “Grandma”

 

That night, I looked at the mirror approvingly

Saw some gray hairs I’ve grown but always colored

Some wrinkles I have earned but managed so far

I know she was staring back at me with those lovely, piercing eyes

Saying, ‘You’re aging more and more like me, my child”

“Yes, Mom”.  And, I know it’s not YOU.  It’s but me keeping your memories ALIVE!

Just a child missing her Mom, 

Roxanne

(Aka Tatan)

Golden Time

 

If growing old …
Means being able to catch the sunrise and sunset together
Then, let’s hop on this golden age bandwagon.
And start our “Yee-haw..howdy” ride of a lifetime.

If growing old …
Means discovering there are real deserts out there,
And snow-capped peaks
And beautiful rolling hills (inhale…exhale, catch breath!)
And … splash on late-night Jacuzzis
Aside a bottle of wine; above there’s the starry skies
“Gee, let’s start hoarding colorful bikinis for real!”

If growing old …
Means taking pictures of people & places we only heard of
Or singing, dancing imperfectly to whatever tune
Yet, can still bellow so much fun!
Or indulge over a chase of vodka, tequila, rose’
And still come out “posh and wise”?
“Wow, this age is a liberation, indeed!”

If growing old means…
Finding realities to some fantasies
Discovering things beyond our dreams
Playing and letting the child in us run free
Learning again to love “ourselves” harder and tougher
To pray “THANKS!” vigilantly more than ever
Then… we know … golden clear

This, my love, is what golden time is!

What Is Your Greatest Fear?

 

"I lost ... but I survived. It's over, 2021!"

 Y2021 is unforgettable because I had my greatest LOSS this year - Mom.  But I survived! 

More than ever, this year reminded me what Mom has always said, “No matter how hard it is, the only way to deal with pain, hardship, and loss is to simply MOVE ON." 

So, I did! Sometimes, with a heavy heart; at times, with a fresh perspective. But always, I lived & embraced whatever emotions came my way.  And that was when I realized, as I did so, I was successfully LIVING my life … to the fullest.

“So! Mom has always been right!” 💝.  And I know she is elated to see that I got it! 👍

 Thus, “it is over, 2021”

"I got this!"  I know I will still cry, now & then.  But i also I know there are many stories to write ahead.  That is my focus:  SEIZE & CAPTURE EACH DAY until all things fall together again… yes, one day at a time with all the people who are with me now.

2022 is a decision to make: "I choose to be HAPPY"

In 2022, I will stop making long list of resolution to avoid or change.  Rather, I will narrow down my passion into 1-2 things that I want to HAPPEN!  ... Something wonderful to write about 😊 ... Something that will inspire others 😃

"I am ready, 2022!"

         Roxanne 
(Welcome Reflections for 2022)

ROLL OUT OF THE DEEP

 (09/11 Reflections)

I feel restlessness or discontentment in my heart.

I feel something is lacking; or wanting.  There is a void space urging to be filled up.

I cannot exactly articulate the fidgety; but I feel there is a brewing search inside.  An unexplainable “stirring” in my heart.

Yet, a big chunk of my brain also says to REST.  “Slow down.  Keep still … No! Do not jump yet but take in the moment.  For PATIENCE is a virtue that rings loudly in my head.”

After all, I just had my biggest LOSS this year … Mom! Not certain if I am ready for a gear change yet after such?  Cannot say If I am emotionally charged up to take my ground back again, even if I miss all the rides, the awesome ups & downs, that make up what LIFE is all about. 

For Y2021 threw me off-guard really BIGTIME, indeed (and so were others, too).  I believe this pause is to grieve … or to simply be safe (for all mankind) and wait for normalcy from this pandemic.

So, I am taking it real slow; keeping FAITH that “life would never cease to be huge ahead of me”. That it will remain vibrant as I momentarily simmer down.  For, probably, there are many BIG things out there for grab.  But, no, what is mine must probably wait … for now.

“So, let me take in the silence of the moment, then.  Ah, ironically, to bask in this solitude I always secretly wished for, long time ago, but never tried hard ever to seek before?  Now, the said stillness is here, whether by chance or, probably, by fate finding its place in my life.  So, enjoy the PRESENCE and, soon, bit by bit, I will be ready to roll out of the deep”.

Gray

        Life-changing events bring us, inevitably, to a period of our lives filled with gamut of emotions.

        I call that - "the shade of GRAY".

       The times when "losses, failures, health scare or even wrath of nature"  throw us "off-guard", weak and defeated.  We cling on to hope but our sight is blurred with fright.  We believe in the "light"; yet, darkness lurks around.  "There's black and white swirling everywhere". We become completely LOST; we simply can't comprehend what to do but CRY. 

        That's "GRAY!"

        My Mom used to say, "You cannot serve 2 masters, daughter.  Nor can you live in two moments, too?  Either you're happy or sad.  Fight mode or flight!"

        "BUT... I personally learned, it is OK to be GRAY.  Though, just for a temporary phase.  To wail, to curse, to revolt about the unpleasantries.  To drink senselessly and fall into a night of slumber, if we must.  To hide, stay oblivious to any sense; and  remain uninspired.  To feel the trap and frailties of our being human...

        But, wait!  We must never make it last.  We also stay in the beauty of GRAY moment to reflect, ponder and prepare!  To pick up the shattered pieces and, then, charge up to make a whole stand!"

        We cannot stay GRAY... that's the point.  Sooner or later, we must discard the worn-out baggages & pack up anew.  We must move forward to the lighted path.  Otherwise, all gray always turn black.  And, the dark alley can swallow us up. 

        So, stay GRAY for sometime.  It is part of HEALING.  But know when not to be STUCK.

        "LET GO of the gray clouds.  Welcome the myriad COLORS of our life"

Just thinking,

Roxanne

LIGAYA ANG ITAWAG MO SA AKIN ("Call Me Joy")

 Eulogy For Mom

(Read before the Mass Offered For The Repose of the Soul of Ligaya C. Roque)

She is our MAMU…

She would always be remembered as a GORGEOUS woman

• Charito Solis – Look alike
• Complexion - porcelain clear
• Hair - Luscious, wavy, light brown, sometimes, straight, frizzy or curl
• Teeth – always glistened; beaming from red, vibrant smiles that were generous to all
  
• Eyes – they’re round, piercing, but when you look into them, she endeared you with all her emotions
  
• Voice – oh goodness, such a lovely pitch, no one sang “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” as effortlessly as Mamu
  
• And when she spoke, whether in Tagalog, English, Ilokano … she remained demure, soft, yet teeming with substance
• Whenever she walked, dressed up, or graced any occasion, she always stood out in the crowd without even trying
• ‘Yan si ATE LILY, MOTHER LILY, TITA LILY, LIGAYA
• Dignified, classy, regal…

 

But she was not just a pretty face, she was a BRILLIANT lady

• Witty, street-smart, fast-learner
• Spent most of her life as a CAREER WOMAN but, mind you, never an absentee Mom
• She travelled, at some point, because she was always recognized for her excellent performance
• Her superiors praised her; She always ended up, not just an Executive Assistant, but a CONFIDANTE to them & their families
• Her peers respected her for such skill
• And as they say, “Put Mother Lily in any situation, she evolved”
• Mingle her with any class & nationality, and, she blended well with anyone
• She was just so versatile, self-reliant person; Spoke “mind of her own”
• There was no hint of insecurity with her aura; Hence, immensely “TRUSTED” in her field
• And, even after retirement, Mamu never lost her mental alertness
• At age 82, “Sorry, guys”, she never relinquished the title …your FACEBOOK QUEEN
• That’s our Ligaya!

But MORE than anything, she was a WIFE and a MOTHER

• But, again, an EXTRAORDINARY ONE
• As a wife, she assumed a “bread winner role” in the mid of her marriage to Arch Bienvenido Roque
• She became, ultimately,  Dad’s sole REASON TO LIVE while battling with his “illness”
• Their partnership taught me what “MARRIAGE” is, what “commitment to one person” really should be!
• But, at the same time, she was a mother,
• A truly EXTRA SPECIAL one to be able to love, nurture a child with “cerebral palsy” … My Ate!
• (“Samahan mo pa ng dalawang nagkukunwaring NORMAL … ako at si Kuya!”)
• Then, you know, how TOUGH it was for her as a mother… both physically & spiritually
• But she was the family’s amazing “ROCK”
• No one, not Dad, not Ate, ever felt they were burden to her
• She was simply filled with love and sense of responsibility
• She made us all feel … “NOTHING was ever wrong or dysfunctional!”
• We were perfect as we were…
• Truly, she was our Ligaya!

 

But family to Mamu is NOT JUST “US”, her immediate circle

• Family, to her, is about relatives & friends, 2^nd, 3^rd or more in consanguinity
• That we must constantly connect with
• Mamu called for “communing, celebrating, gathering even for smallest reason”
• She loved reunions; Hated missing a single one!
• She always reminded me, “Find time, ‘Tan! Ang mga apo ko! Dapat kilala nila pinsan nila, titas nila, titos, ninongs, ninangs.  When times get rough, PAMILYA ang tinatakbuhan”
• Words that proved how much she valued FAMILY TIME
• But she went beyond that…
• She also believed Family is not just about “blood-relations”
• But FRIENDS, as well;  Oh, how she loved meeting up with them regularly!
• Dining out, window-shopping … or simply Messenger chatting
• And she continuously made NEW ONES even in her late age …
• Her people skills were so exceptional … “She is such a PEOPLE-PERSON”, she took in anyone & everyone… EVEN MY OWN FRIENDS!”
• In fact, one friend said, “Di ko na nga maalala kung sino talaga ang friend ko, Rox, eh.  Kung ikaw? O si MAMU?”
• Showbiz talaga siya! Mother Lily, indeed!

 

 

But, FOR ME, Mamu was my MENTOR

• Do you know that, as early as my formative years, I already knew what “corporate playground” is?
• I mastered alpahabet A-Z by filing office records & tinkering with the electric type-writer
• I memorized 1-10 by playing with office elevators & the PABX telephone system
• Some Saturdays, during her “over-time”, I looked forward to playing as her “OFFICE ASSISTANT”
• She introduced me to a place which, she said, would bring me to WONDROUS DESTINATIONS & make me RICH
• That’s the BRITISH LIBRARY in New Manila
• There, she let me spend hours, exploring shelves of books, while she waited outside
• Until now, friends, I still go to libraries!… SEEKING answers from books & writings
• And, still believing “YAYAMAN DIN AKO”… SOMEDAY!

 

Most importantly, in tandem with Mama Deng (her closest BILAS who took me in as her own), Mamu served as my great SPEECH THERAPIST

• (“As you all know, I grew up with speech difficulty.  BULOL 😜!”)
• Some nights, after picking me up from Mama Deng’s place,
• Even if I was already in tantrums, tired & wanted to just sleep
• She would still make me TALK, TALK, TALK!
• Narrating stories of the day … ONE AFTER ANOTHER until I pleased her
• Only then, would we go to sleep…
• I realized she was doing therapy with me
• At the end, she did straighten my “crooked” tounge … but, probably, unaware she also made a STORY-TELLER out of me
• Now, you understand, why I am like this… “WHY I TALK ENDLESSLY?!!!”
• Blame it on our Ligaya!

 

Mamu was also my TALENT MANAGER

• Growing up until my teens, my summers were filled with activities
• She arranged lessons, community work, contests … “Minsan, may pa-beau-con pa!!!”
• I got exasperated sometimes …
• But I realized after, it was not about winning.  She exposed me to the “GIFT OF SELF-DISCOVERY & MASTERY!”.  A technique I now use in my profession.

But, Mamu’s biggest role in my life is being my husband’s & chlidren’s DEFENSE LAWYER & PROTECTOR

• Even when I got wrapped up in my own busy world;
• I never feared any;  knowing “No one can ever mess up with my household!”
• Because Ligaya guarded them with all might

 

But truly, she is my SOUL MATE

• My Guide, My Joy
• My shock-absorber, My sounding-board
• My ever-reliable friend
• The voice, during my dark times, reminding me of 3 valuable LIFE MOTTOS:
  
•       QUE SERA SERA (Whatever will be, will be!”)
•       HAKUNA MATATA (It means worry-free) … And her most favorite…
  
•       MOVE ON … Always move on
  
• Every time she uttered those encouraging phrases, she always brought “LIGHT & JOY” to whatever predicament I was in.

 

So, in summary, do you want to know the SECRET to Mamu’s LONG WELL-LIVED LIFE?

Amazingly simple! … Mamu is a child of God who learned how to LIVE IN THE “MOMENT” given her, GRATEFUL for all that came her way, and faithfully LETTING GO to God those that were beyond her control.  Something, I am yet to follow …

 

I will miss my Ligaya … but I believe God just granted her “BIGGER, MAJESTIC WINGS” so she can fly faster to me whenever I need her.

 

I still cry a lot, yes, because of the longingness that comes in waves, but every tear I shed, I assure you, reminds me of how BLESSED, PROUD & PRIVILEGED I am to have had a “GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN’S JOY ON EARTH” because, in my lifetime, my EARTH ANGEL, is LIGAYA!

 

Lily's Lucky Girl,

Roxanne 
(Whom She Fondly Called "My Tatan")