Do you wake up sometimes with gnawing anxiety or sadness or, worse, fear of the unknown? Sadly, I do and, I try to put them in words, hoping by so doing, I can make them evaporate in the thin air.
Anxiety, probably is one … because, as I open my eyes, I know ahead of me is a set of routine for tasks or people I am so accustomed to but not necessarily would want to face again? Yet, as a duty, I try hard to remain vigilantly “grateful” for what the universe entrusts on me so I just carry on. But, sometimes, i wish don’t have to. So, there goes the anxiety throughout the day.
Then, there is sadness …because I miss people I can just relax with and pour my heavy heart to. Where are they now? Suddenly, i feel so alone amidst so many people. Those near me are busy with their own troubles, too. Like me, I sense their struggles, and I don’t want to be another burden to our never ending daily grind. On the other hand, there are the kind ones who would probably love to lend their ears but , unfortunately, are so miles away. Gone are the days we can just meet up in a coffee shop and just talk to our heart’s content. Distance and time zones dissipate whatever desires we have to reach out. Technology is great to connect people, they say so. But the truth is “it is never the same when you see and feel each other’s pain, side by side”. Then, of course, there are those whose memories I cherish in my hearts. My departed loved ones whom, I sense, are with me in spirits, but cannot touch me anymore. I whisper their names as I drown in my loneliness. I know they see me, feel me, pray with me so I can get through another day. But, sometimes, just that same thought only emphasizes that they’re truly gone … sadly, in my life
Then, fear … because, despite of it all, I love life to the fullest. I absolutely adore my life with all its complexities and sweetness. With all its sorrows and happiness. My prayer is like a love song, speaking of desperation to cling on; never letting it go. I pray for health, safety, security, stability, sustainability; then, more years, more time for all of the above. And I pathetically pray for them every day because I fear of losing them anytime, too. For the irony of life is to enjoy its fleetingness. Ahh, I grew up, mastering the art of leading, being in-charge, taking in-control. But, only to realize that my eventuality is, actually, not in my hand. I can only do as much and pray. What I need to really learn is acceptance and letting go. Something that’s ultimately outside the comfort zone I built. Disturbing truth. Scary…
So what to do with the troubles of my heart, then? I am not quite sure as well
So, I just label them, as they are; hoping this is the first step to be able to understand them. And, hopefully, appreciate that they are my “vulnerabilities” which keep me alive; breathing and kicking until this day. This is what being human is, after all!
I will show up each day; smile as much, if I can, and simply carry on with all these troubles in my heart…
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